


Your hands, still here in mine.

by chaos101



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Nightmares, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, but it's cute by the end i promise, my bad sorry, they're both sad in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29493633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaos101/pseuds/chaos101
Summary: Ash apologizes in his sleep.He only does it when he’s touched, so Eiji doesn’t notice until they start sharing a bed, a few weeks after everything with Banana Fish is over and Dino Golzine is dead. Before that, Eiji would only approach a sleeping Ash with the intent of waking him up. But it’s after only a few nights of sleeping beside him that Eiji realizes.Ash apologizes in his sleep.Eiji doesn't know how to help.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 53
Kudos: 243





	Your hands, still here in mine.

Ash apologizes in his sleep.

He only does it when he’s touched, so Eiji doesn’t notice until they start sharing a bed, a few weeks after everything with Banana Fish is over and Dino Golzine is dead. Before that, Eiji would only approach a sleeping Ash with the intent of waking him up. But it’s after only a few nights of sleeping beside him that Eiji realizes.

Ash apologizes in his sleep.

It doesn’t need to be a harsh touch; even the lightest brush against his skin will cause the reaction. At first, Eiji doesn’t understand the words. Ash says them without the slightest hint of waking. They’re mumbled, nearly unintelligible, often combined with a gasp or a flinch, and barely audible.

But after a while, Eiji starts to understand.

“I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t tell Ash that he knows. He doesn’t even think _Ash_ knows.

“Are you okay?” Eiji blurts, the morning after he first figures out what Ash is saying.

Ash blinks. “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

Eiji was hoping that this is a temporary thing, that there’s some stressor currently in Ash’s life causing this. But if he’s being honest with himself, he probably knew that this was more deep-seated than that.

Eiji smiles, hoping it doesn’t look as sad as he feels. “Just checking in,” he says.

Ash gives him a look, but they both go about their days as normal.

That night, Eiji tries reaching out to Ash before he’s fully asleep. He softly brushes a hand against Ash’s cheek. Instead of apologizing, Ash leans into the touch a bit, eyes still closed, humming contently.

“What’s up?” Ash asks.

“I just love you,” Eiji offers.

Ash opens his eyes, lazily staring Eiji down. “You’re acting weird today,” he observes. “Do you want to tell me why?”

Eiji hesitates. He knows that it’s a genuine question, not a demand in any way. “I’d rather not,” he decides. “Not yet, anyway.”

Ash closes his eyes again. “Okay. I’m here whenever you need me.”

Eiji’s heart twists a little. Ash thinks that _Eiji_ is the one who needs help. Eiji just wants so badly to make things easier for Ash. To ease even an ounce of the pain he feels. It’s too late for Eiji to change anything in Ash’s past, but ...

“Get some sleep,” Eiji whispers. “I’ll be here in the morning.”

Ash hums again, sounding almost happy. It makes Eiji smile.

Intentionally laying awake, Eiji waits until Ash’s breathing evens out. He seems calm, peaceful; a far cry from the fitful sleep when he has nightmares. Maybe ... ?

Eiji reaches out, brushing Ash’s cheek the same way he did just minutes ago.

Ash gasps violently, flinching away from the touch. “Sorry,” he mutters. “I’m sorry.” But only moments later, he’s calm again.

It takes everything in Eiji to not cry himself to sleep.

— — —

After that, Eiji tries to avoid touching Ash when he’s asleep. Even if Ash is fully asleep and doesn’t remember the pain or fear in the morning, Eiji doesn’t want to hurt him at _all._

But it’s difficult to avoid. Over the next week, Eiji wakes up multiple times to Ash’s mumbling, often accompanied by a flinch. Eiji is thankful that he’s a light sleeper, so that he’s aware of this happening. He tries to sleep farther from Ash on the bed, to avoid touching him in his sleep, but their bed isn’t large, and Ash often likes to stay close to Eiji as he’s falling asleep. Even the lightest brush of their legs together or the softest hint of Eiji’s hand against his back will do it.

And Ash only apologies when he’s touched. When _Eiji_ touches him.

Not that Eiji takes it personally. He’s certain that it would happen regardless of whether it was Eiji or someone else. But it still hurts, just a little, to see Ash react so violently—so _brokenly_ —to Eiji’s touch.

 _But he’s not broken,_ Eiji reminds himself. _Hurt, yes. But never broken._

It’s a few nights later that Eiji realizes that Ash always keeps his wrists together while he’s sleeping.

It’s hard to pick up on at first, because Ash usually sleeps with one arm under his pillow and the other on top. It’s in the mornings, when Eiji wakes up before him, that Eiji starts to notice it.

Even when Ash turns over, when he’s tossing and turning—no matter what, his wrists stay tightly against each other. It’s not until Ash is waking up one day, stretching his arms together above his head before finally separating them, that Eiji realizes the position is horrifyingly familiar. Back to a time when he nearly experienced what Ash has been through so many times.

Restraints.

Ash is acting like his hands are tied together, or that he’s been handcuffed.

Eiji’s stomach turns.

“Hey,” Ash says, smiling a little and still stretching. He’s shirtless, which isn’t unusual for him while sleeping—but after the realization Eiji just had, he feels a little uncomfortable seeing Ash so vulnerable. He turns away.

“Hey,” he responds, and pretends everything is okay.

— — —

Eiji doesn’t know what to do.

Which is distressing, because he feels like he’s _supposed_ to know what to do. Everyone says that he always has, when it comes to Ash. He’s always been Ash’s exception. But this time, he’s not.

He doesn’t blame Ash in the slightest. Ash is asleep when this happens; he has no way of even knowing that Eiji is the one there at all. And even if he did, it’s not like it would be Ash’s fault if he reacts badly to Eiji. The upsetting thing about all of this is that Eiji doesn’t know how to help.

One night, when things are as usual—Ash sleeping with his wrists together and Eiji trying not to touch him—Ash starts writhing a little in his sleep. His body tense, arms pressed together tightly above his head and legs curled in too close to his torso while he lays on his side.

A nightmare, probably. Not unusual. Eiji’s never certain whether to wake Ash or not; Ash doesn’t seem to mind either way, and they happen so often that Eiji’s worried about Ash not getting any sleep at all if he wakes him every time. Lately, Eiji’s taken to only waking Ash in his most extreme nightmares, and otherwise just going back to sleep himself.

Eiji hesitates, then gently reaches out to try to separate Ash’s wrists and pull one of his hands toward him.

The second their skin touches, Ash flinches violently.

“I’m sorry!” he gasps. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry ...” Ash’s voice gets a little smaller with each apology.

Eiji can’t help it.

He fucking sobs.

Just starts crying on the spot, pent up emotions from the past weeks surfacing all at once. “Ash!” he cries. “Ash, I’m sorry! Please wake up, please ...”

He doesn’t touch him again, but his crying must be enough. Ash jolts awake after only a moment more.

“Eiji?” he asks, panting. “What’s wrong?”

“You ... Ash, you ...” Eiji starts.

“Hey, what did I do? I’m sorry, Eiji. I’m sorry.”

But that just makes Eiji cry harder. “You apologize in your sleep!” he blurts.

Ash blinks. “I ... what?”

“You apologize, and you act like you are still restrained, and I never know whether to wake you from your nightmares, and—and—”

“Whoa, slow down.” Ash’s hands hover in the air between them, like he’s not sure how to use them to comfort someone. “Restrained?”

Eiji nods, tears slowing just a little. “You keep your wrists together, like your hands are still tied.”

Ash winces almost imperceptibly, and Eiji realizes that maybe he shouldn’t have used the word _still_ in that sentence.

“You’re crying over something like that?” Ash asks. He sounds genuinely confused. “That stuff doesn’t matter.”

Eiji _glares._ “Of course it matters! You are in pain, and—I don’t know how to help you!”

“I’m not _in pain,_ Eiji. I’m _asleep._ You can just ignore me when I’m like that.”

Shaking his head, Eiji presses his palms to his face. “I can’t, Ash, I can’t, I can’t!”

Ash sighs. “Do you want to sleep in separate beds again? Would that help?”

“No!” Eiji wails, pulling his hands away from his eyes and balling them into fists now. “I don’t want you to help _me,_ Ash! I want to help _you.”_ How did he mess this up so badly to turn it into Ash comforting _him?_

“Eiji, really—it’s fine; I don’t even remember usually—”

“Usually?” Eiji demands.

“I mean—sometimes, I—all of the nightmares, but—”

“Ash!”

“Shit. Okay, um—okay. Calm down. I’m sorry.”

 _“Please_ stop apologizing,” Eiji begs. 

“Right. Sor—uh, fuck. My bad.” Ash winces.

Eiji tries to slow his breathing, tries to calm down. He knows he’ll only upset Ash more if he keeps being so hysterical. But this whole situation is so _wrong_ and he just wants Ash to be _happy_ and he doesn’t know how to make that happen.

“Hey. Hey, come here, okay?” Ash asks, opening his arms.

Eiji’s eyes widen for a moment before he can’t help himself, and he falls into Ash.

“There you go,” Ash whispers. He’s a little stiff, a little awkward, but tries to rub at Eiji’s back with one hand. The other hovers a few inches from Eiji’s hair. “I didn’t mean to—to hurt you, or scare you, or anything, okay?”

“Don’t apologize,” Eiji warns, voice muffled as he buries his face into Ash’s shirt.

“I’m not. I just ... feel bad,” Ash says, like that’s not practically the same thing. “I never mean to hurt you, but I always seem to.”

“You’re not hurting me,” Eiji mumbles. His sobs are finally subsiding. “I’m just so worried about you. I just want you to be okay.”

“I am okay. I’m fine.” Ash’s hand on Eiji’s back stills, but he keeps rubbing a small circle with his thumb. His spine is a little less straighted now as well, like he’s starting to relax into the touch. Slowly, he brings his other hand to comb through Eiji’s hair. “This isn’t a big deal, okay? I promise.”

“Tell me what I can do to help you. I’ll do anything. Just tell me what I need to do.”

“I don’t know,” Ash admits. “I really don’t think it’s a problem, at least not one that needs to be solved. I mean, we could try—but that’s a lot on you, and—”

Eiji pulls back out of Ash’s reach, tears all but calmed now. “Anything, Ash. Tell me what it is.”

Ash hesitates, pulling his arms back and wrapping them around himself. He looks down. “We could ... if you ... hold me,” he says, voice tiny.

Eiji blinks. “What?”

“Sor—I mean, you don’t have to!”

“No, what do you mean?”

“If you ... hold me. While we’re falling asleep. Maybe ... I would—know it’s you. Even in my sleep.”

“That ...” Eiji shakes his head, incredulous, watching as Ash draws in on himself even more. “That is not _a lot on me,_ Ash! That’s easy! Of course I will hold you.”

Ash looks up. Blinks. Blinks again. “Really?”

“Of _course._ Did you really think I would say no?”

“Well ... kind of,” Ash admits. His posture loosens a little.

“You don’t have to be afraid with me, okay? You can ask me anything. Even if I say no, I won’t be angry with you.”

“I ... I know. I know that. It’s just—hard.”

Eiji reaches out, gently tucking Ash’s hair behind his ear. Ash leans into the touch, just ever so slightly, and Eiji lets his hand dwell on Ash’s cheek for a moment before pulling away.

“And I will never me angry with you for that, either,” he promises. “Do you want to try it?”

Ash closes his eyes in what might be the slightest hint of a flinch. “Try what?”

Eiji softens. “Me holding you while we fall asleep.”

“Oh,” Ash breathes. “Uh. S-sure. If that’s .... if that’s okay.”

“It’s more than okay. I would love to.” Truly, there’s no way Eiji would rather fall asleep than with his soulmate in his arms.

That night, Ash doesn’t apologize a single time, and Eiji wakes up to Ash’s hands still in his.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading this one! Leave a comment and let me know? I will _always_ appreciate your comments.
> 
> [Tumblr.](https://chaos101lynx.tumblr.com/)


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